Off for Giving Thanks

Turkey, cranberry sauce, lima beans, mashed potatoes, gravy, corn, brussel sprouts, and of course everyone’s favorite… stuffing.

Happy Thanksgiving to all my readers.

Here’s to hoping you don’t get so inebraited you get into a fist-fight with your drunk of an Uncle over who “pulled early” on the wishbone. Sound like I’m speaking from experience? Maybe. But either way, it doesn’t sound like the greatest way to give celebratory thanks to the Pilgrim’s figurative (or perhaps physical) “rape” of native Americans. The best way to do that, is to consume like the obese nation we are.

Here’s to another five pounds!

Post-Feminist Chivalric Depravity

I'm self-empowered and equal, which is why you have to buy me a drink.

From: Alexei – Bay Ridge, NY

Who should talk to who first? Girls to guys or guys to girls? Like if we’re in a bar and we find the other person attractive?

Alexei,

Welcome to the confliction every man and woman faces in the post-Feminism/post-Chivalry era. Which is right? Chivalry, or feminism? That depends highly on the personality you ask. The problem is… the shit hits the fan when you apply it to everyday Joe and Jane, and not the vicious far left or far right. Something as simple as buying someone a drink could be viewed through a microscope by either party, exposing “character flaws” in the buying party simply because of who they are in the accepting party’s social ladder.

Take for example a post-Feminism feminist. Presume this woman is in a bar and notices a guy she finds attractive. Would you put your hard-earned cash on the table that she’s going to approach him first? I certainly wouldn’t. My guess is that like the stuck-up bitch she is, despite laying claim to being a feminist (the foundation of which lays out equal footing for men and women alike), she’s also a firm believer in chivarly, and that men should cater to women if they want the woman to sleep with them. She’ll wait for him to approach her, because contrary to her “we’re equal” mentality, in that light, we’re not. In that light, in her eyes, the male is supposed to court the female, because she’s got the pussy to offer.

The answer here is simple: No one is right, and no one is wrong. While radicals fight over the semantics that no longer apply to their own generation, good men and women are deprived of the opportunity to fuck each other without regard for social stigmatic consequences. If you’re in a bar, approach her. If she approaches you, more power to you. It’s the end result that matters here. The means in this case, are irrelevant.

Careerless, Meet Careless

From: Keith – Mesa, AZ

I’m 40 and have no career, what the hell do I do now?

Keith,

Lucky for you, I’m in a relatively vindictive mood this morning, and you’re about to bear the brunt of it.

My first (and less realistic) suggestion is to pre-register your body donation to science. Find out exactly what they’re going to want from you, so you know which act of killing yourself would be most beneficial to their study. If they wanted your brain, obviously you wouldn’t want to shoot yourself in the head. Proceed to murder yourself on the internet for your 15 minutes of fame. It’s a short-lived career, but at least you made it to the spotlight, eh?

My second (and more realistic) suggestion is to look long and hard into the option of blue-collar work where someone of your age and shape (since I presume you are out of it) can likely blend in with the rest of the lemmings without fear of persecution. It doesn’t take all that much to learn how to use a jack-hammer or how to lay concrete. Money’s good, work sucks, and you’ll probably build a large enough union pension (if you manage to join one) in 13-15 years that you could still retire by 55 relatively happy, with a broken body.

The one thing I can tell you for sure, however, is that the last thing you want to do at this point is be one of those fucking out of place old men attending college classes on business, law, or worst of all art. You’re the laughing stock of the classroom in those cases, and for good reason. You’ve obviously made such poor decisions during your life that why shouldn’t the rest of the normal thinking, intelligent young men and women of the new generation point their finger and laugh at your balding appearance, sagging man-tits, out-of-shape body, and inability or unwillingness to make better life choices? Save yourself the scrutiny, and don’t even for a second consider this a viable option.

Common Sense… Ain’t So Common

From: Jasmine – Buffalo, NY

I think I may be autistic. How do I know for sure?

Jasmine,

You get tested, idiot.

I think they test by throwing you in a lake with a concrete slab chained to your feet. If you float to the top, you’re not autistic. If you sink and drown, you were. Problem solved, eh?

Look… do you like to stack or line up objects? Do you have difficulty interacting or communicating with people? If so, you’re a candidate for autism. This isn’t rocket science. Sometimes it’s viewed as you being dumb, or slow; other times you could be seen as intelligent, or even a genius.

Autism is predominantly characterized in children, so I’m not sure how you could have gone through life to this point never having seen a doctor about it, but better late than never. Hell, you can even get tested online these days.

I realize you “may be autistic”, but autism isn’t mental retardation, which is something you’re apparently suffering from if you didn’t realize that the way to tell if you’re autistic is to see a doctor and get tested.

See a doctor, OK?

iSelf – The Sweetest Berry

From: Andrea – Brooklyn, NY

I feel like my cellphone is enough to get me by, but a lot of my friends are pushing me to get a BlackBerry/iPhone/smartphone. What do you suggest?

Andrea,

I suggest you not follow the herd like some block-headed lemming, and do what you feel is best by you. Why do you need a BlackBerry? So you can be cool like everyone else and have all your oh-so-important shit “on the go” at all times? Who cares? Seriously… who the hell cares?

If what you’ve got still works, fuck the naysayers and stick with it. People fall victim to trends all the time… all for the sake of wanting to “fit in”. A lot of those people now look back at their JNCO jeans, UFO pants, afro’s, bell-bottoms, or whatever was “in” at the time… and have to laugh at their own stupidity for falling victim to such low-rent trends. You don’t always have to believe the hype, because often enough it’s nothing more than just that: hype. BlackBerry’s, iPhones, hell even iPods are all part of the same monotonous glob of social trends that are just as likely to fail tomorrow, as they are to capitalize on their own growth.

Be you, let the rest of the sheep walk off the cliff to their impending doom. Best way to look at it? More grass for you to eat with less idiots around to try and tell you otherwise.

Ah, Well This Sucks

From: Travis – New York, NY

My girlfriend recently gave me head, and in order to cum I had to think of another girl, a porn star actually. Is that bad?

Travis,

Bad for her maybe.

Ever think perhaps she just doesn’t give that good of head? I realize she’s your girlfriend so you probably would try and encourage her more than you would want to discourage her, but if she’s bad… she’s bad. No one can change that except you. You and I both know it’s not as easy as simply having it in your mouth. Some girls couldn’t suck the flavor out of applesauce without fucking it up.

A common misconception, and something that is generally taken for granted by a lot of men much like yourself, simply because they’re getting their dick sucked… is that she’s actually good at doing so. It’s a shame really because you get the shit end of the stick if you tell her how bad she is, or let her continue to do it wrong. In your case however, you have an out. She’s your girlfriend. It’s much easier to correct her into pleasing you properly because she’s probably interested in actually knowing how. Don’t let that advantage slip away. It’s one not a lot of men have the privilege of owning.

It doesn’t really harm anything to not do anything about this, especially if you know you can cum by thinking of a particular thing (in this case a porn star), but you may want to consider teaching her how to do it properly so you don’t have to resort to that. Besides, the longer you wait to do so, the weirder it’s going to get when 2/3/4 years down the line you tell her she’s been doing it all wrong, and the only way you can cum is to think of another woman. You probably won’t get head (or pussy for that matter) for months after pulling a stunt like that.

Do yourself (and her) the favor and just correct it now, while it’s still relatively safe to do so.

Happy receiving!

If Chuck Could Chuck Wood, Would He?

From: Charles – New York, NY

I kind of have a crush on a coworker, but I’m not sure whether I should make an advance at her. I’m worried it might affect the atmosphere at my job, or worse yet… cost me it. What do you think I should do?

Charles,

Whether you fuck this girl or not, your atmosphere is already affected. Twenty bucks says if she walked by and winked at you, you’d forget everything you were just doing (not to mention sprout wood). If you’re an accountant, tax associate, or anyone who deals with money/numbers… that’s not a good thing. I certainly wouldn’t want you working on my account. At least not at the time she’s around. Last thing I want is a tax return/paycheck/whatever that has stick figure tits with a semi-realistic depiction of your dick between them drawn in the upper right corner.

I can understand not wanting to throw your staff in her for fear of losing your job, but unless an office romance is actually frowned upon at your office, I don’t know if your fear is legitimate or not.

The best advice I can give you is to ask her to hang out after work one night and get a couple drinks. It’s fairly harmless, especially if you ask her in a small group. Befriending her, or spending a little more time around her, getting to know who she actually is might help you curb the nagging desires you’re plagued with throughout your day (at least during the day).

Just don’t forget: a work/love/sex relationship can be very lucrative for both parties; Particularly you. A lot of freebies are to be had there. Instead of having to do all the work like a normal guy would, you can get cheap lunch dates, and can flirt with her all day long via e-mail, intranet IM, or by pinching her ass when you walk by. Not to mention if there’s an unoccupied office, you can always express your feelings in a much more ‘inappropriate for the work environment’ way.

Best of luck there, Chuck.

The Importance of Masturbatory Freedom: Redux

From: Adam – Huntington, NY

I constantly masturbate to pornography all the time. But once in a while it happens at the most inopportune moments. I currently live in an apartment with my girlfriend and even though we have sex all the time, I sometimes prefer to look at porno instead. She has seen my internet history and catches me all the time, then argues with me about how disgusting it is. I am very physically attracted to her, but is there something wrong with me? Or is just normal that every guy likes porno?

Adam,

You’re either recently discovered the site, or are a really shitty reader, considering I’ve already answered a very similar question to yours back in October. Either way, I’ll give you most of the same advice I gave the last guy.

Does your girlfriend/wife: (check all that apply):

• Let you fuck her in the ass?
• Let you slap her around?
• Let you gag her?
• Let you verbally demean her in bed?
• Let you dress her up like a school girl or some other equally “naughty” get-up?
• Let you cum on her face?
• Want to suck your dick with another woman?
• Want to fuck you or blow you in public places for the rush of doing so?

If you answered no to even a single one of these, you now know the answer to why you masturbate.

Men masturbate consistently and primarily to the type of pornography where the sexual acts depicted are not met at home in their own beds. Not to mention Quicktime, Windows Media Player, and VLC (to name a few), all conveniently offer you the wonderful gifts of foresight, as well as time travel, otherwise known as the fast forward button and the ability to jump frames. Neither are available in real-life sexual scenarios.

Keeping in mind that the fundamental difference between masturbation and sex is reciprocation, it’ should go without saying that it’s not exactly uncommon for men to be generally selfish lovers. So naturally, masturbation is the greatest gift a man could provide himself with.

There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re a guy, and you’re doing what guys do best… jerk off. If she’s disgusted, wish her the best of luck with her soon-to-be new found love/obligation of sucking on jaded cunts. Every guy she’ll date who’s actually straight is going to do the same thing. It’s the ones who don’t, or won’t, who end up fucking a man on the side for 10 years and leaving her a single mother.

Some advice for your girlfriend as well: Learn to appreciate the little things he does for you. If you’re going to get upset over the things you have little chance of changing, you’re predestining every relationship with a straight male from here until your day of infertility to fail. Instead of wasting your efforts on trying to make him less horny, spend more time on trying to give him the things he’s masturbating to.

Baby Mama Drama

Maury knows best...

From: Elena – Maspeth, NY

I recentely found out I am pregnant, and want to keep it. The father never wanted children so I don’t want to tell him, since he wouldn’t be in the child’s life anyway. Is that wrong?

Elena,

Right and wrong here is entirely subjective. What I can tell you though is that robbing the father of the potential to help raise his child is wrong… at least in my opinion. If the father chooses to have no part in the child’s life, so be it, but who are you to decide for him? You think just because he didn’t want kids, that now that he’s going to have one, his mind couldn’t change? Haven’t you never watched an episode of Maury? This shit happens all the time, and some of those redneck fucks actually turn their shitty lives around and become great fathers… at least we’re led to believe.

Either way, I just hope you don’t become one of those fucked up mothers who doesn’t tell the father until well after a few years into the child’s life, when you’ve become so dependent on a second income and desperate for support that you come back to him, break the news, and then expect that he start mailing you child support checks every month because “he did this to you.”

Best of luck Elena, and congratulations on the unexpected pregnancy.

Ten-hut!

What the fuck do you mean you don't want to be a marine? Say it again... I dare you. Say it again.

From: Brian – Syracuse, NY

I’ve got an army-head for a father who wants me to join the corp, like he did. I don’t want to belittle what he devoted his life to, or upset him, but I have no desire to join the military. How do I tell him thanks but no thanks, without making him feel bad or hating me?

Brian,

A simple “no thanks” should suffice, or just explain to him how you feel like you just did to me.

It’ll probably look something like this:

You: “Dad, I don’t mean to belittle what you devoted your life to or upset you, but I don’t want to join the military”.

Dad: “I can’t say I’m not disappointed you won’t follow my footsteps, but I respect your decision, and as my son, I’ll support whatever decisions you do make in life.”

I don’t see the problem here. You said yourself, he’s an army-head. If he learned anything while he was there, I doubt he’s going to breakdown crying in front of you because you didn’t want to follow in his footsteps. He’s a marine, not a menopausal woman. I don’t know how old you are, or what your full story is here… but it seems you’re battling more with an inner cowardice than you are the fear of his actual response. You’re the son of a marine, grow a pair of balls.

Also keep in mind here, this is coming from the son of a marine as well, who also wanted his son in the military. Didn’t happen here because I simply said no thank you.

What are you so afraid of? Him going AWOL and attacking you like you’re Charlie in the bushes? Be real here, there’s much less to fear than you are making this out to be.

Toughen up, soldier. Refuse this order, you’ll thank yourself for it much later in life when you’re still alive and not being carried in a flag-drapped coffin because you joined the Marines at your fathers request and weren’t of the right frame of mind to ever be one in the first place.

Semper fi, what’s with this guy?